The Calamitous FUNderful Machine!
Accept NO substitutes! This is it! Everything you ever wanted and MORE! IF YOU pass up this opportuntity who knows when another like it will TAKE place? ALL this excitement for THE low, low price of your time! But you'll LOVE it so much, the hours you spend distractedly avoiding your primal urges and purpose will not be missed! If you act fast, we may just consider giving these things AWAY for free! Enjoy the centruy ahead of you!